


Artificial Affection

by nakiriknife



Category: DCU (Comics)
Genre: Angst?, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-21
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2019-01-03 18:43:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12152568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nakiriknife/pseuds/nakiriknife
Summary: Jason left in a rush and while Roy normally would go chasing after him, his legs felt like led and he just didn’t have the strength to will them to follow.Or maybe he just didn’t want to.





	Artificial Affection

        The buzz of the morning had died as day faded into night.  If Roy was being honest, it had died long before that while the sun still hung low in the sky and burned Gotham in its fiery, red glow.

        It was a blur in Roy’s eyes then.  Nothing, but a mess of shapes melding into something that reminded him of lava gushing from ragged, black rock.  Nothing he could appreciate.  Even in a blur, the sight could never be as beautiful as Star City’s lights.  In the mess of tears all those years ago, it looked like a milky way.  A pot of stars flowing with gentle ease, coaxing you into dreams of fabricated safety and artificial happiness.  That’s why they called it Star City.

        But here, in Gotham, with the illusion of molten rock hiding the flickering street lights and seemingly chasing away the monsters, no dreams seemed real enough to make him feel at ease. 

        Roy thought it might be the same back home in Star City had it not been for the drugs.

        Thank god for the drugs.

        The tears had long dried since then, leaving only a chill coating his lashes.  Gotham now had buildings and lights, people rushing home and others just leaving them.  The lava was gone and the city was left intact.  As put together as Gotham could be. 

        He felt at ease now.  As much as he could for being in Gotham.

        It was silent and has been for the past hour or two.  Roy lost count after the first few minutes, his thoughts carrying him to wild places, ones where he did not want to be. 

        Jason left in a rush and while Roy normally would go chasing after him, his legs felt like led and he just didn’t have the strength to will them to follow.

        Or maybe he just didn’t want to.

 _It might feel nice to be followed_ , he thought.  _For once_. 

        Time ticked on fast when there was nothing to do but berate yourself in the quiet.  Roy sat between his bed and the wall, on the floor staring at the windowpane just a few inches above him.  It wasn’t much of a sight, but he wasn’t really looking.  Just playing back the moments before it led to this. 

        There was a steady stream of voices from the television speakers and the screen reflected a decently looking couple deep in the throes of young love and romance. 

        They kissed once, twice and held it.  Roy found himself holding his breath.

        He hated this feeling.  The pressure of his chest squeezing his heart as if it were trying to change a piece of coal into a glittering diamond.  Though, there was no changing the murkiness within him to any type of sparkle.  Not for long anyways. 

        The couple’s pace quickly changed.  Desperation, longing, it was all there and he couldn’t bear to look at the screen.  Roy glanced towards Jason, who was thankfully focused on the show, but it only made him feel guilty that he refused to get as involved.

        Was it stupid to envy fictional characters?  Was it stupid to let their fictional affection haunt him as it did?  

        If Roy said he didn’t quite understand his alarm in these moments, it’d be a damned lie, but not a total one.  It was mundane at best and things he himself has been through.  Love and sadness, envy and loneliness and perhaps it brought back bad memories of things that no longer mattered.

        Of loneliness.

        It was after the excuses in which Jason had enough.  He was a patient man to an extent and sometimes his worry came off as anger, but Roy knew him well enough to tell the two apart.  Even with the little voice in his head telling him otherwise.  It was the voice that arose whenever these attacks happened, the voice that told him to doubt all he knew to be true. 

        He hated that sometimes he listened to it. 

        “Tell me what’s wrong,” it wasn’t a command, but Jason was pleading.  Roy wished he could hear the difference then.

        “Nothing’s wrong,” he insisted, but it was a lie.  Something was always wrong, it was just easier to ignore it somedays and harder on others.

        “Roy!  You can talk to me.”

 _I know_.

        “I’m fine, Jay.  Really.”  Everything felt like too much.  The television was turned off some time ago and the heater had stopped churning out heat once Jason was satisfied with the temperature of the apartment, but it all felt like too much noise. 

        “You’re lying.”

        Roy stared at the television.  “I just —- didn’t want to watch the show anymore.“

        A part of Roy really wished Jason hadn’t asked why, just wished Jason would have taken the answer for what it was and chosen some incredibly gory horror show or something, but things never took the easy way out unless you made sure of it. 

        With each response his chest tightened and his stomach turned.  He couldn’t remember the words they exchanged beforehand, but it was enough for their voices to rise to dangerous levels and for Roy to have had enough of containing much of anything.

        “I’m alone!”

        There was a ringing in his ears as everything fell silent, like the way you start hearing things after a bomb went off and you were in too close a range to it. 

        Jason stared at Roy and his arms fell to his sides.  He wasn’t as close anymore, but Roy didn’t know whether to feel relieved or upset by it.  “You’re not alone,” he said simply, as if it was obvious.  And it was.  “I’m here.”

        “Sometimes,” Roy breathed, “I feel alone.”

        Jason left shortly after.

 _Why did I say that?_   Roy thought, his head bearing down against the edge of the mattress so he was staring at the corner where the ceiling and the wall met.  _I didn’t mean that._

        Except he did, because he felt alone now in the darkness of their apartment between his bed and the wall. 

 _“You’re not alone.”_ Came an echo.  _“I’m here.”_

 _Where are you now?_ Roy thought.  _Where do you go when you run off to places_ ~~ _I can’t_~~ _you don’t want me to follow?_

        Roy couldn’t tell how long it’s been, but he knew despite his practiced stealth with Batman, that Jason had come back.  It was too silent to not be able to hear the small click of a door or tick of a lock.  However, he didn’t move a muscle.

        Instead, he let Jason come to him, his bedroom door creaking open just enough for him to squeeze through the crack and flick the light on.  “Roy?”

        The bob of red hair could be seen peaking over the mattress and Jason shimmied his way behind it to sit besides him as comfortably as a man his size could in such a small spot.  “Roy.”

        “Yeah?”  Roy murmured, not yet tearing his gaze away from the wall.

        Jason placed a gentle hand over Roy’s, successfully gaining part of his attention.  “You’re _not_ alone.”

        Roy stared at him and for a moment he couldn’t tell if Jason was making a promise or simply stating what he thought was a fact.  He took a deep breath in and released it, staring at Jason’s calloused fingers covering his own. 

        He remembered the steady stream of voices from the television speakers, the screen reflected a young couple deep in the throes of heartbreak and indifference. 

        One stepped away once, twice and disappeared.  Roy found himself holding his breath.

        He pressed his fingers in between the spaces of Jason’s hand and squeezed. 

        “Yeah.  I know.”

_But I’m afraid you’ll leave me lonely._

**Author's Note:**

> For my friend Kat! Enjoy!


End file.
